Saturday, 16 May 2015

Doubt

My moments of doubt are usually pretty straightforward. It’s basis is on an evaluation of my sanity.

Am I crazy?
Am I praying to nothing?
Is prayer just an attentional bias?
Are miracles merely coincidences?
Is the joint reinforcement of a living divinity merely a collective delusion?
Is the efficacy of prayer merely the emotive sociological response from those that hear and react to them?
If God says no to prayers, then how is that efficacy any different than random chance?
Is the joy and fulfillment and purpose in a born again believer’s life merely the result of delusional people living delusional lives?


Did God take her?
Will I ever see her again?
Or is it just the end of a biological process in a futile empty universe?

I asked her these questions this evening, while standing up staring into the blackness of the night. 

Contemplating my existence and my future. I realised that my thoughts on self worth were becoming irrational again, which means this grief was turning into something else. But that’s good because I know I can do something about it.

She responded to me.

I wondered if this was an echo of her living in my memory or if this was indeed divinely inspired but I heard her voice again.

“What would you have me do, dear?”

I realised that she was always my voice reason.

“I want you to be happy.”

“But how can I possibly be happy without you?”

“Live for God. It’s what I did. You know how much us living for God did to make us both happy. That’s your goal.”

“But what if it isn't real?”

“Does it matter? You know what made you happy.”

I ask myself, does it matter?

Yes it does.

So what does my gut say? Is this all a dead reality based on random chance, or is this a lovingly created universe with us as the central players?

My instinct tells me that it is a created universe.  The complexities and probabilities of this being all random chance is just too much to believe. That I am not delusional, that I will see her again.

But, I recall just a few years ago my instinct was in line with an atheist world view. 

Although that old me was a very different person. I was blind to so much. I was oppressed by the indoctrination of atheism. I was obsessed with terribly irrelevant things that never gave me fulfillment, and while I was awestruck by nature, it never really had the beauty it does to me today. It was dirty, it was disordered, it was a mess. The perception I had in reality was one of a finite dead universe, which clearly isn't the case now.

The changes that have happened to me are something that have happened beyond my conscious understanding. I haven’t willed them at all. These things have happened despite what I may or may not have tried to achieve, but the perceptions that other people have about me, that “I’m a good man” are actually the conclusion of those changes.

So I ask myself again, am I crazy?

No, I don’t think so.

And I should follow my wife’s advice, so I will.

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