Four simple words from my pastor broke me this morning.
"You're a good man."
It pains me that much because Fran used those exact words so many times in the last few years of marriage and I can't believe how much I miss that constant reassurance.
For 31 years I knew full well I wasn't a good man, and being clothed now in Christ's righteousness I see my value entirely on how other people react to me. I get on with practically everyone I meet, and pretty much everyone reacts positively. But then why wouldn't they? I think to myself, 'what's not to smile about?' when I get to play the 'eye contact smiling awkwardness' game with complete strangers.
It's a lot of fun, but it seriously evaluates me in how I am inside.
And I am free with Christ with me.
Free from the evaluation that I'm not a good man.
Yet I'm still confused by it, I'm still in shock at how much I've changed. I'm still in shock of how much I trust God in everything. I don't feel like I'm ultra religious. But then I'm not. I just have faith.
I know I've let God change me so much, and fill me with so much love, but I still don't get how.
His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
He is always there, He always answers prayer, and I realise I need Him more and more every day.