Last night I dreamt that the people that I loved were slowly dying around me and I was powerless to do anything about it. My wife was of course one of those loved ones sitting next to me. It's clearly based in reality since I went through those exact events two months ago. However in the dream everyone that was dying was significantly more aware of their impending end and I was able to have conversations of dread and regret with them as they became progressively more ill.
While I contemplated the dream I had I realised that the bearing on reality is just as prominent now. The fact is that everybody I know and love is dying around me, albeit significantly more slowly than my wife was. But it isn't their physical death I really concern myself about, it’s their spiritual death. A lot of the time it is easy to fall prey to the notion that a born again believer is powerless to direct the lost to Christ. Paralyzed with fear and self doubt leading to anger and disbelief in evangelism in general, or the belief that evangelism is somehow an artificial performance or unnatural for the majority of born again believers; the devil attacks directly on the hearts of the disciples of Christ as they go through a world of dying people. It’s a depressing world to live in, if you really believe you are powerless to help change their journey from the road headed to the invisible lake of fire to the road headed towards Jesus.
And the fact is, if I go on my will alone I am powerless to change their path.
My arguments are short lived and weak. My strength is limited. My understanding is pitiful. My will is nothing compared to the power of the devil. He grips so many hearts, turns them away from Christ and towards fickle empty pursuits that are short lived and often demand more and more depravity to feel as good as they did last time.
One of the things I miss the most about marriage is the reassurance I had. My wife constantly told me that I was a good man, that I was undervalued in my profession, that I was a safe competent driver, in fact she only felt safe with me driving, and that I was not just the wretched sinner I know I am. But of course I know that was somewhat of a facade brought about by the love inside marriage.
But it isn't my strength I should ever be relying on. It is the strength through Christ Jesus that a born again believer uses to evangelise, not their own. The reality is that nothing is impossible with God. And while I cannot take credit for bringing anyone to Christ directly, and therefore have no crownie points to boast, I do know that a lot of my writing is sowing seeds in the hearts of the lost to direct them to those with more experience in direct evangelism, as Pastors have told me that as much directly.
So do I live in a world of despair or do I live in the world where Christ has conquered death for us?
Do I choose to follow fear or love?
Given these worlds are matters of perspective it really is a choice in the way we would see the world. And the attraction of seeing the world through the gospel of God’s grace is far greater than the doubt and fear that the devil whispers in my ear.
So I will continue to write, and continue to pray that God would use me for His will.