Trying to make rational and logical decisions of emotional and interpersonal matters is often significantly more difficult that it initially appears. Emotions cloud your rational judgement. Furthermore I realise that emotions affect your perception of reality. I've noticed I’m entirely at the mercy of my emotions, and seem completely unable to control them which isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's the feeling of the unconditional agape love that God has for me, but is entirely devastating in grief. I sometimes consider that my behaviour is the way it is because I'm still waiting for my wife to come home to me. But my theological understanding is that it's more the case that she is waiting for me to come home to her and our Father in Heaven. Not that I really understand the details of what that really means, and even though I know my marriage is over I'm more enticed by the prospect of seeing her again than anything that this world could ever give me. But at the same time Fran wanted desperately to be happy. She told me that she wanted me to remarry. However even the prospect of re-marrying seems to be so adulterous at the moment that it could easily compromise my moralistic integrity. Indeed I have been advised by a number of people that it would be not just unwise, but immoral to rush into remarrying without a significant period of time to grieve properly. Which is direct conflict with the incredible urge to be in a marriage again. I am frequently preoccupied with these two opposing dilemmas. It is overwhelmingly more difficult than the extended period of time where I searched desperately for a wife, because I now have 13 years of experience on just how great that relationship can be.
I am reminded of the dilemma that was faced by Zachary Quinto’s ‘Spock’ character in the 2009 remake of the Science Fiction movie ‘Star Trek’. In the course of the story, and you must appreciate that I’m giving a big spoiler here, Spock watches in horror as he is helpless to do anything about the destruction of his home world and his entire people, the Vulcans. While the Vulcan people are renowned for their ability to completely control their emotions through mental discipline and I must admit at one time was an enticing prospect given the fact that I appeared to be entirely incapable of that, Spock was unable to do so. Continuing with the story the protagonist is put in position to reveal that Spock is emotionally compromised and unfit to command the Starship Enterprise. He realises after an outburst that he cannot continue to be in a position of authority and relinquishes his command.
I too have lost my world.
I too am emotionally compromised and unfit to command my life.
So who do I relinquish my command to?
“A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.” - Proverbs 16:9 (KJV)