Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Life

Life has become so terribly terribly pointless. I realised today that it doesn't matter where I go I will never feel at home again. I will always feel like I am in the way wherever I am and will never fit in. There is only one place I ever felt completely comfortable and that was with Fran. It didn't matter where she was, in our house in Stafford, in a car driving to church or in a hospital bed in Philadelphia, that was where home was.

Now I am alone I feel homeless. Yes, there are houses I can live in, there are churches I can be members of, but there is no home to return to.

That void left from being a husband cannot be filled in with being a brother, or an uncle, or a committee member, or an analyst. While these roles all have their own demand of me they all seem so superficial and limited compared to husbandry.

Of course being a follower of Christ should give my life meaning, but my greatest ministry through serving my wife isn’t there anymore. I should find comfort in my faith but I see no direction, and the obvious answers of bible schools would mean I would have to be able to get over the feeling that they are all man made institutions, which I don’t think I am likely to get over.

What gets to me is the abundance of abusive relationships, and adultery, and divorce, and fornication and that all those things were so foreign to us that we didn't even understand them. Yet it was our marriage that was cruelly ripped apart by this disease. It seems so unjust and so unfair, and it takes every ounce of faith I have to be able to say that it is all just part of God’s will, and you know, He has His reasons.

And I’m sure that He does, I just don’t understand them.

As Horatio Spafford puts it, it is well with my soul. I know one day I will join her. It’s my life that isn’t well. And I while I don’t exactly welcome death, I do have an overwhelming desire to join her today.

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