About 2 weeks ago my wife was diagnosed with b-cell acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. I've had a lot of support from friends and family and church family. Everyone that I've talked to has been surprised that I’m so able to maintain myself considering the stark reality that in a short space of time my marriage 12 years may come to it’s natural conclusion, and the love of my life will no longer be with me.
So how come I’m so stable? Where is this strength coming from? Shouldn't I be a quivering wreck, sick with worry and unable to do anything but be by her side? Am I not feeling? Don’t I love this woman?
I've asked myself these questions and realistically if I had the beliefs I did a few years ago I think I would be a quivering wreck by her side hoping and wishing for her to get better.
But I’m not.
The reality is, and always will be that a marriage will end. The vows we said 12 years ago were that the marriage was until death. And death us do part. Our marriage was always going to end, no matter how much we don’t want it to. It’s simply matter of when.
I've thought that somehow I’m perhaps autistic in some small way that I simply can’t process or come to terms with these emotions. I've thought that I've simply just had not enough time with all the work I've been busily doing to help my wife into hospital and keep her as comfortable as I can to be able to articulate my feelings on this. Or maybe I've become so desensitised to her suffering, that a little more illness really doesn't upset me.
However, I don’t think it’s any of these things. I think it is something supernatural that is keeping me going. It is the security and the strength of the Holy Spirit that I have allowed in me. It’s in all of us. We just have to accept it to be able to draw from it. And we do that by repenting from sin and turning to Jesus Christ.
Last night I was there in the hospital and I briefly went into the visitors’ room to access the fridge and the room was full of relatives from a single family. I could tell by their attire that they were Muslim, I’d seen a lot of them hanging around over the last few days. I knew something was seriously wrong, and some of them were crying and the eyes that I could see, because all I could see of them were eyes, were full of despair.
And that’s simply the difference between the lost and the saved. To them life is an exam. They have no hope. They have no guarantee of salvation. Their absolute best hope is to try their hardest to get the highest mark. And then when Allah comes on the last day, they might get into paradise. But if their score isn't high enough it’s off to hell.
Jesus gives us something entirely different. He shows us our exam results today. He has our mark sheet printed out already and the score is 100%. And the reason is that Jesus sat the exam for us, and wrote our name on the top. He’s done away with sin, the law is fulfilled, and we get to go to heaven.
How can I possibly be in despair when I know that my wife, the one I love the most in this world will get to be with the loving God that did that for us?
What’s fantastic about this whole storm is the opportunities that God has given me and my wife to witness. And it really is a great testimony and it will be no matter what happens. And in my mind if one seed can be planted that eventually brings another lost soul to the Lord then it is worth the storm that we’re going through.
And yes my body will grow weary and tire and I may well break eventually, but He has me, no matter what.
What is there to fear in death? This is the power of Christ in me.