It's hard to think back at what my life was like when I was an atheist, not so much because it's uncomfortable to remember, but because my life in Christ has been so eventful that the last year feels like the same length of time as the 5 years before that. I think that feeling itself speaks on something of my life as an atheist. It was pretty uneventful. I had very little social life outside of my marriage. And while I was married I was very much aware of the scientific notion that I was alone. All my thoughts, emotions, and memories were locked inside this biological mess of neurons inside my head. I was, as far as I was concerned, literally alone with my thoughts, and any interaction I had was superficial in nature. Indeed, my understanding of physics meant that contact with other people was never really possible because on a molecular level it isn't. There’s gaps between where one person ends and the other begins.
I used to fill this emptiness with worldly things that temporarily made me feel less alone. All of these things I now know are sinful things because my motivation was a selfish one. Despite that I felt like I was living the life of a zombie. I had nothing to live for. My life was the daily routine of going to work, coming home, watching TV and going to bed. Atheism had taught me that life had no meaning, and I had no purpose. This wasn't pessimism though, this was realism, the only Salvation humanity had was it’s pursuit of technology. All of life's problems would one day be solved with technology, medical science would one day reach it's goal of obtaining immortality.
Atheism and the world had also taught me a lot of lies about religion. Religion and faith were essentially the same thing. All religion was “bad”. It was something to be feared. It was the cause of all wars. All religion was pretty much the same from Scientology to Catholicism . It was all foolishness because it couldn't be observed and explained through experimentation, and experimentation was the only truth out there. Religion was something conceptually infantile and believers were necessarily uneducated and ignorant. Faith in God was no different than the belief in Father Christmas, or the Tooth Fairy. It gave comfort to emotionally unstable people, and corrupt power to those evil and manipulative enough to vain their commitment to those religions to take advantage of these vulnerable congregations. Having read some of what Richard Dawkins had written I believed his implication these people were delusional and irrational. This was care in the community, as far as I was concerned.
Despite all this I had a wife that claimed to have faith. This in itself didn't sit right with me because she wasn't stupid, or an escaped mental patient. Sure we have different strengths and different interests, however we obviously have a lot in common too. Trying to understand why it was she had faith in God when confronted with all these lies that I had no reason to doubt was something that I needed to understand. So when she suggested we find a church to go to I was interested in going because I thought it might help my understanding of why all these crazy people believe in things they can't see. They had something that I didn't have and I was very much envious of that because they could obtain freedom from the fear of absolute destruction, a freedom from fear of death, a freedom from the emptiness and loneliness that I couldn't see past as an atheist.
On my journey from a strong Atheist to a follower of Christ there were four things I had to overcome.
1. I had to understand the fallibility of science.
2. I had to unlearn all the lies that were taught to me by Atheists and the world about faith in God.
3. I had to understand myself and where I sat morally.
4. I had to understand what on earth these Christians were talking about.
I think the hardest of these for me, ironically is the one that should have been the easiest. By it's very nature science is fallible. It is merely the concept of experimentation and theory based on that experimentation. It holds no values, nor is it steadfast. Science at any particular point is merely a snapshot of the most reasonable peer reviewed explanation for events as they occur at any particular moment in time. At any moment a single repeatable experiment that can be certified and accredited can break steadfast theories that are relied on for entire scientific fields. It is the very pinnacle of instability. Scientists revel in this instability yet ironically rely on the world's trust in its reliability. After all who would invest in a technology if they were uncertain that it would work the next day?
When I first joined the church I agreed to take part in a discipleship course and it was through the continued and consistent effort on my part and on the part of my wife, and my pastor, along with attending church services and bible study that after many hours I was able to learn what it was to be a born again Christian, at least in theory.
This lead me to I consider my morality on a secular level, and how that didn't fit in with the picture that discipleship and the Bible was painting around me. I thought in particular about the inequality of resources in the world and how, while we live in effective luxury in the west, a lot more people live in malnutrition or worse starvation in the third world. It occurred to me at the reason that a lot of the false religions so readily advocate support is more because of the huge disparity of resources between the first and the third world. We’re told by political leaders that they hate us because of our political ideals, while in reality it’s probably that they think we’re evil because we steal all the worlds resources and waste them so readily.
I thought about what it was that was stopping me from helping these people. I’d had enough money in the past to afford trips across the other side of the world. So distance was no excuse. I imagined what it would be like if these starving people were here, lying in the street, and how I would walk past them, looking down saying how unfortunate it is for them while I eat my Big Mac. Of course there are homeless people living near where I live, and while the local government can sweep them out of the way in more rural areas, there were definitely occasions in the past where I had literally done this. I had literally stepped over the poor usually while shopping for something I didn't need and wouldn't really want a few weeks later.
I thought about this a bit more and I realised why it was that I wasn't spending all my time and resources helping the poor. It was because of my greed. I was so selfish and greedy that I was literally content to watch people starve to death because I didn't want to sacrifice my quality of life. Just because everybody else does it around me doesn't give me moral values. It means I’m just as evil as they are. Once I realised where I stood morally I understood that I needed that Hope of Salvation.
It was just then a matter of time, while I continued to witness the love shown by the people in the church, the efficacy of prayer and eventually and ultimately the witnessing the joy and renewal that comes through the obedience of baptism that I was able to open the door and accept Christ in my heart.